My English Teacher Would Be So Proud

The thing is, I don't read. Well, I mean, outside of everything I have to read at work everyday and the Bible (which I TRY to read everyday). I don't read "just for fun." I never have. Well, not since I lost the book reading contest in first grade by ONE BOOK! Darn that Jamie Briggs!

That ONE BOOK killed me! So Jamie got the prize box of goodies that included "The Moose with the Loose Tooth" book that had the string all the way through it. It didn't mean much to me. Just because I still remember it 30+ years later doesn't mean anything.

So, the point is, ever since that fateful day in first grade, I have pretty much given up on reading just to read. If it's not a sports magazine, I really don't find any entertainment in reading. That is, except for a Frank Peretti book!

Frank Peretti is the ONLY author I look forward to reading. He is the only author that I have read EVERY book, and he is the ONLY author that I can read over and over again. And I'm pretty excited because he has taken somewhat of a break from fiction writing for a few years but I just stumbled across the pre-sale for his next book!! I have already pre-ordered it and it doesn't come out until Spring of 2012!!

In the mean time, I have decided to go back and read the first two Frank Peretti books I ever read, "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness." These two books are what made me fall in love with his writing. I have read them probably 4-5 times each, but it has been a while so I'm all about reading them again!





This is my book next to my insulated snack box
which I take to the football games.
Yes, I took my book to the football game. What a nerd!



You can check him out at www.frankperetti.com. I also recommend "The Oath." That book stinking CONSUMED me!  Oh Frank! I can't wait until Spring of 2012!

Posterized!

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—
and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works,
so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV)

I have a quote hanging on my desk at my office by Wendell Deyo, former Athletes in Action president. It reads:

"A society looking up to athletes as heroes must find heroes looking up to God."

I love that quote.  Hence the reason it is hanging up in my office. But more than the quote, I love when it actually becomes true.

This morning while watching an episode of Outside the Lines on ESPN I was reminded of this quote.

OTL ran a story about the controversy behind Tim Tebow's faith. Or, more so, the controversy about him being so vocal about his faith.

If you don't know who Tim Tebow is, he is a current player for the NFL's Denver Broncos and former 2-time National Champion and Heisman Trophy winner for the University of Florida. Oh, and he is a Christian.

He has been vocal about his faith ever since he first gained a platform at Florida. He became known for his post-game interviews where he gave God glory for his success and praised Him even when he failed. His eye black with scripture references (as seen in pic) became a hot topic. And his summer mission trips to share the Gospel in third-world countries were feature stories on all the sports networks. In other words, his faith and walk were no secret.

That's why it shocked me this morning when the show aired about the controversy. Apparently when his platform got bigger (NFL), so did his haters. No, literally, there are "I Hate Tim Tebow" clubs and facebook pages and YouTube clips and whatever else people with a lot of time on their hands are able to come up with.

There are people who HATE that Tim Tebow is vocal about his faith. And on OTL, the commentators went as far as to say that the reason Tebow isn't a starter in Denver is because of this controversy. Not his ability. Not his speed or accuracy or composure. Not his work ethic. His faith. Wow!

Now, I could go on and on and on about this. I could get on my soapbox and rant for a long while.

But I won't.

I will only say this. I will be a Tim Tebow fan. I will cheer for him and pray for his success. I WILL purchase Tim Tebow posters for my nephews to hang in their rooms. Because if my nephews are going to be looking up to an athlete, I want to encourage them to look up to one who is looking up to God.

One Person's Crazy is Another Person's Normal

Okay, so maybe I'm a little weird. I have some interesting quirks that, I guess, make me somewhat unique. I don't like touching or holding little things. So sue me! Not little things, like a small child. Little things like coins smaller than a quarter, jewelry (ugh!) and tiny, thimble-like things.

I can't watch others, or myself for that matter, brush their teeth. Sorry, slobber makes me vomit.

I have to make myself NOT count the light poles when I'm driving down the street, and not count my footsteps when I'm out taking a walk.

And, as I have proven to myself recently, I like ending my meal all on the same bite.

This one may need some explaining. You see, if I were eating a burger and fries (which we all no I would NOT do), I would have to have two fries left when I'm down to my last bite of burger. (See Exhibit A)

Exhibit A

Here, I was eating brisket with grilled vegetables. As you see, I have one bite of brisket left with one bite of grilled cauliflower and one grilled grape tomato (very tasty by the way). I don't know why I do this. I didn't know I had done it until I got down to this on my plate. I felt the need to take a photo as to document my quirkiness.

Let's move on to Exhibit B. This came tonight, which prompted this blog. Here is my plate of fruit.

Exhibit B

There you go.  Two bites of cantaloupe, two green grapes and two black grapes.  Again, I didn't plan it. It just happens this way.

And here's the really crazy thing! If someone would have come by and grabbed a grape or swiped a piece of cantaloupe, I would have had to go to my happy place to make it through. Now, I would have made it through but that's only because I discovered this little thing about myself years ago and I have had plenty of time to learn my coping skills.

There was a time when the grape grabber would have lost a finger or I would have just pushed the plate away and walked away from what should have been an incredible ending to a great plate of fruit. But I have grown, as we all have to do at times.

So alas, if you see me eating and notice my plate coming to a calculated end, feel free to disrupt my chi and take my food.  Or, embrace my quirkiness and step away.  Slowly step away.

Red is My Favorite Color Anyway

On occasion I get pleasantly surprised. It happened this week.

I was surprised by the fact that I was craving an apple pie. You see, I don't like apple pie. As a matter of fact, I don't like anything that includes cooked apples. And, strangely enough, I don't like pie crust. Call me crazy, but outside of my Aunt Ruth's crust, there are very few that I have ever had that I really enjoyed.

So the fact that I was craving an apple pie is just crazy talk! But look at this thing! There is something about this photo that made me REALLY want to try this pie.

I will think of this pie often!

This is my friend's Murray County Fair apple pie! Don't let the red ribbon fool you (I'm pretty sure whomever ended up with the blue must have been doing some under-the-table stuff with the judges). This sucker was stinking good! I will say it was the best apple pie I have ever tasted. She may have single-handily changed my opinion on cooked apples!

I even went to the Murray County Fair just to visit this pie! Okay, I went to visit my friend and listen to some of the best talent Murray County has to offer (*wink*). But this pie made me completely forget about the hour I spent surrounded by the sounds and smells of every breed of chicken known to man! Seriously. You had to be there.

Here's where the story takes a sad turn. As I was enjoying my portion of the LAST PIECE left of this amazing pie (I was sharing with my friend), I couldn't help but go on and on about how great this pie was. What started out as something I just wanted to taste, turned in to something I was going to relish to the last bite! That was until my friend grabbed the pie from my hand and threw it away, into the trash can - pie side down, not plate side down where I could have possibly saved it - right in front of me!

Why the cruelty, you might ask? Because this same friend was trying to keep me accountable.  She knows I count calories and, it is true, this pie had more calories to count then I have fingers and toes. So, in the end, she was looking out for my best interested.

But oh, just for those few moments, I was in apple pie euphoria! And surprisingly, an apple pie fan was born!

At other's expense...

Humor means a lot to me.  I really respect a person who can make me laugh. I like being funny, and I like having funny people around me. Not necessarily stand-up comedy, although there are some stand-up comedians that make me laugh, but rather people who can find the humor in certain situations.

But one of my guilty pleasures is laughing at other's expense. I don't set out to do that. It just happens.  I'm not sure why, but, if you are honest with yourself, you will probably admit that you get some sort of sick joy out of seeing someone fall. I think most of the world does or Funniest Home Videos wouldn't still be on the air.

Why is that? Why is it funny to see someone else fall in what could be a very painful and humiliating experience for them. That's why Funniest Home Videos always cuts to the next clip - so you won't feel guilty when EMS shows up and hauls the little, ol' man who fell on the ice off to ER.

Well, as guilty as I should feel, I am still relishing the joy that came to me at someone else's expense recently. As a matter of fact, I have laughed about this event on almost an hourly basis since it happened. But just so you know, I got permission to share. That's why this person is special to me. Because she can find the humor in certain situations, even when those situations include her humiliation.

Susan and Travis

To you this picture may look relatively harmless. It may look like a happy couple stopping for a moment to pose for the camera. It's not. It's Susan with Elvis impersonator Travis LaDoyt after a recent show at McSwain Theatre. Now, I will be the first to say, Travis puts on a GREAT show! He is talented and quite the entertainer. He's worth the price of admission! Because of this, it was top priority for Susan, who manages the McSwain Theatre Facebook, to be at the concert to capture the event.

So, for approximately 5 hours, Susan had been backstage, on stage, in the balcony, in the lobby, in the crowd, stage left, stage right, in the dressing room, at the merch table, basically everywhere short of the tour bus, to capture pictures of Travis, band and fans. And so at this precise moment, while Susan was trying to get one, last picture of Travis grabbing his post-show meal, he turned the tables on her.

I know it looks like he is giving her a warm, friendly, photo hug, but actually this is more of a death grip as Susan twisted, turned, squirmed and somewhat begged to get away from this photo. But Travis was relentless! And as the handful of us who were left at the theatre stood by and laughed uncontrollably, one of Travis' band members used Susan's iPhone to snap this photo, forever capturing the moment that literally made my day! Susan had no choice but to relent and "go with it!"

And so, this photo is now the wallpaper on my phone. :)  See, makes me smile just thinking about it!

So every time someone calls or texts or emails or I need to check the weather or my bank account or the score of the game, or if I just need a little humor, I take one look at my phone and the joy rushes back over me. Unfortunately for Susan, at her expense!

What's with this guy?

I know, I know!  He looks like an innocent bear with his red, half shirt and pot of honey. But the bear creeps me out!

I don't know what it is, but Winnie the Pooh really irritates me. First off, the cartoon is BORING. He just mopes around all the time and is all, "Oh help. Oh bother. Oh help and bother." What is that?

Second, he is sappy all the time. Seriously, go Google "Winnie the Pooh quotes" and see what you find. It's sickening!

I can't tell you I actually get the cartoon. I've never left it on long enough to get the full story. Either I've changed the channel or fallen asleep from all it's boringness!  I know there's a rabbit, a pig, a donkey, an owl, Tigger and a boy. How do I even know that?!? I will tell you how. Because this bear and his gaggle of friends are WAY over commercialized! And, I've had the unfortunate experience of walking in to more than one baby room with Pooh all over the walls.  Does no one else see the irony in hanging Pooh all over a baby's wall?!

And another thing. He has to be diabetic. I've never seen him eat anything but honey which is basically straight sugar! And diabetics tend to carry their weight around the middle. If in doubt, see the picture above! I have nothing against diabetics of course, but what is this diabetic bear teaching our children? Basically his message is, "Eat what you want. Nobody can tell you what to do. You don't have to wear pants if you don't want to!" Straight up rebellion.

And now there's a Winnie the Pooh movie. Well, help and bother me! There are commercials and movie trailers and previews and merchandise and so on and so on. Pooh in our faces everywhere we go. He will probably start showing up in Happy Meals with a free pot of diabetic inducing honey for the kiddos! Cause that's how he rolls!

So as for me, I'm pledging to go Pooh free. No cartoon, no movie and no Pooh on the walls. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to boycott red, half shirts and pots of honey as well. Winnie the Pooh, the creepy bear, is dead to me.

Weirdness

Maybe it's the moon.  Maybe, like my friend Susan would say, it's the barometric pressure.  Whatever it is, there is weirdness going on, and it's going on on my walking trail.

Let me illustrate...

This is a pair of shoes. Okay, so shoes aren't so weird. But they are weird if they are sitting on the side of a walking trail placed as though someone ran right out of them. It's hard to tell in this photo, but these shoes looked like a set of footprints. Well, Bigfoot's footprints since they were like seven feet apart and I'm pretty sure no human has that long of a stride. But anyway, it was weird enough that I took a photo.

Now, if the story stopped here, well, if the story stopped here I wouldn't be blogging about it.

But it didn't stop there.  As a matter of fact, it continued about 40 yards up the trail when I stumbled across this...

Again, it may be hard to see in this photo, but this is a shirt. A brown shirt with pink polka dots. In the middle of the walking trail. Now, to me, that's weird. Because at this point I'm thinking, "Either there is a half-naked, barefoot person running around here somewhere, or someone is unknowingly losing their laundry as they jog - with their laundry - up this trail."

Either way, it's weird. I've walked/ran that trail umpteen times and I have YET to lose an article of clothing while doing so. But then again, I've never been walking/running with my laundry. Maybe this happens more often than I'm aware.  Maybe I'M the weird one!

If that's the truth, it's not my fault! Darn that barometric pressure!

A Walk to Remember

I LOVE the solitude of taking my evening walks that consist of just me and the road (or sidewalk in some cases). I don't even use my iPod. It's just me, my thoughts and my Reebok Zigs. But today, I would have given anything to have someone with me. Not because I was lonely. Solely because I wish I had a witness to the strangeness that was my walk today.

Today's Stats

Now, I'm not one to make fun of others. Okay, I am. But not strangers. Okay, that's not true either. Well, I'm not one to make fun of strangers in writing, but I'm making an exception tonight.

For starters, it was a GREAT evening to walk. The rain cooled everything down and it was only 75 degrees when I headed out. That's fridgid compared to the 105 degree temps that I've been walking in. So, I guessed that the trail would be full of walkers/runners taking advantage of the weather. I did see a couple of "regulars" and we said our usual hellos as we passed. But apparently the rain also brought out a few newbies.

First, coming up the trail toward me was a young lady on the move. She had her tennis shoes on so I guess she was out for a little exercise. It was her black dress with pink ruffles that threw me. On this trail you can usually see someone coming for a while so I had plenty of time to process before we actually came face to face. Now, I have nothing against black dresses with pink ruffles for those who can pull off that look. It's just not something you typically see on a walking trail. She was wearing black socks too so at least she was coordinated.

Wait, there's more. As I'm processing the outfit, I hear her singing along, rather loudly, to her Walkman. Yes, I said Walkman. For those of you born since 1985, a Walkman is similar to an iPod but it plays cassettes. Cassettes are similar to CDs but... anyway, you get my point. A Walkman. I didn't even know those still existed. But here's the girl in the black dress with the pink ruffles singing, loudly, to her Walkman as she came walking by.

You can't help but make eye contact on this trail. I mean, it puts you a maximum of 4 feet apart and it's just the two of you and some trees. In other words, you have to try hard to NOT make eye contact. The girl in the black dress with the pink ruffles singing on her Walkman tried hard. So as I'm prepared to say my friendly hello with a smile and a nod, my usual passing on the trail greeting, I am denied. Instead, she stops singing for a silent 10 feet and passed by with both eyes glued to the ground. However, after she had reached a safe distance of 5 feet behind me she did begin singing again.

Odd, yes. The end of the oddity, no.

Later on this same trail, I see another "new guy" peddling toward me on a bike. That's nothing too strange, right? You had to be there. Picture a guy about the size of Newman from Seinfeld riding a bike about the size of the one your 7 year old nephew may own. Big guy, tiny bike. Come on! That's always funny! But now picture the guy about the size of Newman peddling the tiny bike toward me. Again, I had time to process and had my hello, smile and nod all ready to go. Nope! Denied again!

This time I even went ahead and said hello. After all, he wasn't listening to a Walkman so I knew there was a good chance he would HEAR me. I'm pretty sure he did because he looked right at me. As a matter of fact, he looked right at me for a long and awkward 3 seconds as he slowly peddled by. And didn't say hello. Or anything for that matter. It was actually a little creepy. But not the end.

As I continued walking and processing why he looked right at me but but said nothing, I heard something coming up behind me. This is odd because you don't hear much on this trail other than birds and water. Actually, people run or ride up behind you and you may not hear them until they are right behind you. Not this time. I heard him coming! After all, a tiny bike under a big guy makes a lot of noise! I turned around to see the guy the size of Newman peddling at FULL SPEED up the trail towards me. When I say full speed, I mean he was standing up while peddling. Well, as much as a guy the size of Newman can stand up on a tiny bike.

I have to tell you, I considered running. I mean, he had to have turned around only 20-30 yards behind me and he HAD just creeped me out with his failure to verbalize and now he was peddling up behind me at FULL SPEED! But alas, he just flew around me and up the trail. I did get a half moon though as his shirt rose and his pants fell as he peddled his tiny bike at full speed. The best part was when he tried to stop ahead and just lowered both feet to the ground to do it. I'm unsure if the bike was without brakes or if he just thought that was a cool way to do it.

Again, odd. But not the end of the oddity.

Last but not least, the final leg of my walk had me walking up the street parallel to a guy in blue boat shoes, white tube socks, khaki shorts, a yellow shirt and a pith helmet. Yes, pith helmet. I don't know. Maybe a guy out walking in a pith helmet isn't funny to you. But maybe you live in Africa where safaris are the norm. If that's the case, maybe right now your cracking up at the boat shoes.

Pith Helmet

Either way, it boils down to odd. Black dresses with pink ruffles, big guys on tiny bikes, boat shoes and pith helmets. Odd, but entertaining. And NO ONE there to witness it!!

Gathering my thoughts...

Considering it's been December of 2009 since I last posted, this is quite an event. But I have to admit, I've recently been inspired. A young lady in my office, Brittney, has a blog that CRACKS me up! Okay, Brittney cracks me up and her blog is just a reminder of how funny she is! She is guaranteed to make you smile! Check her out: http://brittneysorrdinarylife.blogspot.com

So a lot has changed since December of 2009. Michael Jackson is dead, Oprah is off the air and my hair has red and blonde highlights. Yes, I drank the cool-aid and subjected myself to getting my hair dyed. So, now I'm a slave to the little, foil wrappers and have a plan to keep my hair dresser's pockets padded. It's the least I can do for her. After all, she does take 2 hours out of her day to rid me of my gray. Apparently it was hideous.

I also now possess an iPhone. Again, cool-aid drinker, right here. It's actually my work phone and it took me FOREVER to give up my Blackberry and trade it in for the device that seems to become an extension of your dominant hand. I'm convinced Steve Jobs is way smarter than we give him credit and one day our iThings are going to sprout legs and fangs and suck out our brains. (I know that sounds gruesome but I have an active imagination.)

I'm telling you, my left leg will vibrate 5 seconds before my iPhone even starts ringing. It tells me when to get up and has even sung me to sleep. It reminds me to buy birthday gifts, counts how many steps I take a day, tells me when my dog needs vaccinated, shows me which way is North and lets me know what song is playing in the elevator. If it only folded clothes and cooked, I wouldn't really have a need for any humans in my life. Steve Jobs is evil.

And that's what I've been up to since December of 2009. I've been mourning MJ, saying goodbye to Oprah, dying my hair and becoming completely dependant on my iPhone. Oh, and reading Brittney's blog! Check it out! Especially the post about Humpty Dumpty. I played the role of one of the king's men. Or maybe one of the king's horses. It all depends on how you look at it. The key thing is, I played a role!